Start a Conflagration

Never Let Go

2009-01-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to this David Crowder Band song a lot over the last 2 weeks. It expresses my thoughts pretty well right now.

Never Let Go

When clouds veil sun

And disaster comes

Oh, my soul

When waters rise

And hope takes flight

Oh, my soul

Ever faithful

Ever true

You I know

You never let go

When clouds brought rain

And disaster came

Oh, my soul

When waters rose

And hope had flown

Oh, my soul

Overflows

Oh, what love, oh, what love

Oh, my soul

Fills with hope

Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love

Oh, what love, oh what love

In joy and pain

In sun and rain

You're the same

Oh, You never let go

2009-01-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

Coming up on 2 weeks of singleness....and I'm really enjoying it. Which surprises me. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with God and a lot of time with my friends...all of whom I had been starting to neglect.

My thoughts are pretty scattered about things right now, so it could be a few days until I post about what's going on with me. But until then....I think I'm going to start posting about random things I really really want. So to kick that off......I give you:

The Beard Head!!!

um...Heck yes. Thats all I can say. This is the Lumberjack edition. There are more here.

I'm not sure why I want one....I'm pretty sure having one would make my life.

Wow

2009-01-10T14:11:00.001-08:00

What a week it has been.

On Monday, I decided to start a Through the Bible in a Year plan. Knowing that I needed something that would get me into the word every single day. I've made sure that, once I'm done with my daily readings, I spend a quiet time in other passages, talking to God, or just listening. It has been so long since I just sat down and had a real conversation with my Lord. A conversation that wasnt based solely in my selfish requests. And its been so long since I've truly listened. A lot has been revealed to me this week. The first revelation: I'm very quickly falling out of love with Jesse, just as he did with me. Not that we dont love each other.....its just a very different type of love than it was a week and a half ago. I called him and we talked about this for about 2 hours one night this week. Its hard for either of us to explain how this makes any sense, and how quickly our feelings could change after being madly in love with each other for 8 months. And I dont think we will ever really understand. All I know is this, God knew that this is what we both needed at this point in our separate lives. Sadly, taking Jesse away from me was pretty much the only way to bring me focus back to Him.

Second revelation: I am very terrified at the thought of losing Jesse as a friend, and I desire nothing more than for him to be my friend for the time being. In my whole life there have only been 2 people I have ever felt completely safe sharing my true self and emotions with, 2 people who really 'get' me. One is my best girlfriend....and the other is Jesse. I didnt realize that until we talked the other day. He understands how my thought processes work, and in 8 months picked up things about my personality that I never knew until he pointed them out. And we are not afraid to be completely (and brutally, if necessary) honest with each other about everything. He understands me to my core. We wont be best friends right away. But he is one of my dearest and truest friends.

Third: I am so spiritually malnourished. And I'm starving.

There are many more small revelations. Some that I'm still working out in my head and will share later.

more tomorrow...

Starting Over

2009-01-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

So, its been a terribly long time...

On new years day, my resolution for the year was to do good in my last little bit of school, move to texas, love my boyfriend with all the love i had, and...when i had a little time between all of that, grow closer to God. not the greatest of resolutions. January 2 comes....and my world, my plans, are turned upside down and ripped apart. the boyfriend I was going to spend so much time and energy on, who I'm sure I'm supposed to be with forever...is no longer mine. He said that it just isnt right for him to be with me right now. I was devastated, and tried very hard to convince him that he was wrong. That there was no way God could be telling him we weren't supposed to be together because God was telling me that we were. I spent two days fighting God, fighting everything, demanding that this was wrong. Now its January 7th. Very little time has passed, but I'm no longer fighting this. My pastor spoke Sunday on his journey to God. It focused a lot on coming to God in your struggles, during your battles. This, along with conversations with some very wise, Godly people, helped me realize how I needed to be looking at this struggle I'm facing. i cant fix this situation. And I cant fix my broken heart. All I can do in this season is rely on God to carry me through. I must draw nearer to him, and dwell in Him every day. Not when I have time. Not when I'm done with school, done with my friends, done with my plans....but during all of that. God holds my future in his hands. he knows his plans for me. Honestly, I believe that Jesse and I will be together again. But I dont know that for sure, and it hurts not knowing. But God is sovereign, and I must bury myself in him, trust his will, his perfect timing and his perfect plan for me.

So, my new resolution is to bury myself in God. Bring him into every aspect of my life. Immerse myself in his word.

God is so Amazing

2007-12-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday night, my best friend and I went to St. Louis Bread Co. to have a bible study/accountability time. Let me just say that the experience we had just blew my mind. We started out both reading Matthew chapter 21. The part of the chapter that stuck out to both of us were verses 18-22:

18 In the morning, as he was returning to the city, he became hungry. 19 And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he went to it and found nothing on it but only leaves. And he said to it, "May no fruit ever come from you again!" And the fig tree withered at once.
20When the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, "How did the fig tree wither at once?" 21And Jesus answered them, "Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' it will happen. 22And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith."

I am so much like that fig tree. In the same way that it did everything it needed to do to look like a fig tree, I do everything I need to do to look like a good Christian. But I haven't been bearing much fruit.

We asked ourselves why we don't do everything we can to share our faith. If we have faith we can move mountains, and we will receive everything we ask. We've been given everything we need to reach a dying world, and we rarely take advantage of it. I hide behind serving at church, saying "I'm serving in a ministry, that's enough." But my service rarely leaves the church building. I use the fact that I don't know my bible well as a reason I cant reach out to people. I'm not good at quoting scripture, and even when I know a verse, I usually cant tell you where it is. Well, neither of those things are good enough reasons to not share.

So, we decided that we were going to make more of an effort to share our faith with those around us. And at about that time, a man walks up to our table and asks if we're reading the bible. He then quotes a scripture to us and asks if we have any quotes from the bible. Tori tells him her favorite verse. Then he proceeds to tell us he is an atheist. He told us why he doesn't believe, and went on his way. Wow. If that wasn't God telling us something, I don't know what else it could be. We then decided that we needed to gain a better knowledge of the Bible. We decided to read 4 chapters a day until we're finished. And to hold each other accountable to doing so. We talk on the phone everyday about trivial things, so why not cut some of that out and talk about things that really matter? Its been amazing so far. We're only through the first 16 chapters of Genesis, which we've read over and over in the past, but I've already learned so much. God is already showing me so many things and growing me into a stronger Christian. I cant wait to see where we go, and what we learn as we go through the Bible, but I know its going to be phenomenal.

Awesome

2007-10-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

So, for the last few weeks I've been in a really down mood. When I get like that I have the tendency to stop looking to God for help. It seems backwards from how that should work. So, for about 3 weeks I've been neglecting my quiet time. Not just forgetting to do it, but choosing not to. I was in the most horrible mood on Sunday and couldn't figure out why. Then it dawned on me that until I turn my problems over to God and remember that I'm not in control of everything, I'm going to be negative about everything. The last few days have been awesome. My quiet times have been so fulfilling, yet still leaving me wanting more of who God is. It feels awesome to be hungry for God's word again. I've been telling myself that I need to look for God in the little things, because those are so often the things I over look. Last night as I was driving back from school I got to watch the sunset. I love sunsets, always have. They always make me smile. As I was driving I was listening to Brandon Heath. I'm thinking to myself that this sunset is so gorgeous....and the song Beauty Divine comes on. Here are the lyrics:

Does it ever catch your eye
Beauty divine
In an old man's tears
A little girl's smile
If it feels like a song
One that belongs to you
Stop making sense
Your weakest defense
Just quiet your mind
Let the world unwind
See we're not alone
He makes Himself known in time,
His own time

So Breath
Life will surprise you
Just Be
It's what the world denies you
You see
The truth is all around you
Believe
We're not alone
He makes Himself known in time,
His own time
Does it ever catch your eye

God is awesome....and it amazes me that He used something as simple as a sunset and a song to bring my focus back to Him.

oh goodness

2007-08-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

so, the first week of school=fantastic. my classes are amazing. i love it. that is all.

wait....did i just say i love school? yes. i did.

there will be more later.

woo school

2007-08-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

school starts monday. i'm actually pretty ecstatic. nothing is quite as exciting as finally getting everything right and doing what you're supposed to be doing. and that doesnt apply only to school....but more on that later. maybe next week. i'm hoping that if i leave myself topics to talk about, i'll actually get around to them.

this summer has been something else. i've finally started to really listen to God's call on my life. i payed just enough attention to it this spring to switch things up with school. but i've just realized how important that decision was. i'm still not sure as to what i'll be doing with the music technology degree, but that will come. i'm so very at peace about everything in my life, its blowing my mind. it really makes me question why i was so resistant to what God has in store for me.

this last week has been intense and will be covered in the coming weeks as things become more clear. until then....bug me so i remember to post.

2007-08-15T08:49:00.001-07:00

i'm such a blog slacker.

Coming soon

2007-06-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

Its been like a month and a half....I fail at blogging. There will be a new blog soon about all recent developments. If its not up by this time next week, leave me mean comments telling me to put it up.

Indecision

2007-04-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I started packing some of my stuff up to go home next week. While packing, the reality of what I was doing set in. I'm finishing up my second year of college, and my second college, with my second major. I've known for quite some time that I'm a horrible decision maker, but it wasnt until the last few weeks that I realized that I might have made the right decision for once. When I move home next thursday, I'm staying home. No more universities for me for a few years. I'll be going to a community college for an associates degree. From my freshman year of high school, I told myself that I would never go to a community college, that I was above that.....well, look at me now. I'm actually more excited to start school there next fall that I have been the last 2 years.

I think its because I've finally listened to God's direction instead of taking it as a subtle suggestion. When I decided to go to Hannibal-LaGrange it was a lot of my own doing. I thought that because it was a Christian school that it was the correct choice. Within 2 months of being there, I realized that wasnt true. So, I went through the transfer process. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and I wasnt going to ask anybodies advice. So when I found a degree that fit what I wanted to do, I immediately transferred to that school, thinking it was a "sign". Wrong again. In the middle of the year here at Eastern Illinois, I went to passion....I already had an inkling that my calling was finally coming, but at Passion the calling hit me right in the face and changed everything. So here I was, stuck at a college that wasnt right, with a degree that was so far from correct for me that I didnt know what to do. Now I've got it figured out, and for the first time in 2 years, I actually feel a deep peace about my decision.

Why the conflagration?

2007-04-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

So....I've gotten tired of using xanga and myspace to tell people about my life....so I moved here.

I've come to realize that I need a place to talk about what I'm doing and what is going on with me where I can get feedback from people. So, I started this blog. I have a feeling now that I'm going to get questions later on about the url of this site....so I'll go ahead and explain. A few years back, I made an email address using the word conflagration. At the time, I only used it because i think it is a great word and does a much better job of describing a fire that "fire" does. When it came time for me to give a name to my blog....I looked back on that time. I realized that starting a huge fire is what I want to do. No, I'm not an arsonist or pyromaniac. I dont want to start a literal fire, but instead, a figurative one. For the last few years it has been my goal to be a candle, a shining light to tell about Jesus to the people I run into in my daily life. Well....I just dont think the light of a candle is going to cut it anymore. But the light of a raging fire should do the trick. So that pretty much explains it. I want to 'start a conflagration' in myself and those around me. And I'm going to use this blog to keep an account of my journey as a student on fire for God.