Start a Conflagration

Never Let Go

When clouds veil sun

And disaster comes

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

When waters rise

And hope takes flight

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

Ever faithful

Ever true

You I know

You never let go

You never let go

You never let go

You never let go

When clouds brought rain

And disaster came

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

When waters rose

And hope had flown

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

Overflows

Oh, what love, oh, what love

Oh, my soul

Fills with hope

Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love

Oh, what love, oh what love

In joy and pain

In sun and rain

You're the same

Oh, You never let go

Coming up on 2 weeks of singleness....and I'm really enjoying it.  Which surprises me.  I've gotten to spend a lot of time with God and a lot of time with my friends...all of whom I had been starting to neglect.

My thoughts are pretty scattered about things right now, so it could be a few days until I post about what's going on with me. But until then....I think I'm going to start posting about random things I really really want.  So to kick that off......I give you:

I'm not sure why I want one....I'm pretty sure having one would make my life.

On Monday, I decided to start a Through the Bible in  a Year plan.  Knowing that I needed something that would get me into the word every single day.  I've made sure that, once I'm done with my daily readings, I spend a quiet time in other passages, talking to God, or just listening.  It has been so long since I just sat down and had a real conversation with my Lord.  A conversation that wasnt based solely in my selfish requests.  And its been so long since I've truly listened.  A lot has been revealed to me this week.  The first revelation:  I'm very quickly falling out of love with Jesse, just as he did with me.  Not that we dont love each other.....its just a very different type of love than it was a week and a half ago.   I called him and we talked about this for about 2 hours one night this week.   Its hard for either of us to explain how this makes any sense, and how quickly our feelings could change after being madly in love with each other for 8 months.  And I dont think we will ever really understand.  All I know is this, God knew that this is what we both needed at this point in our separate lives.  Sadly, taking Jesse away from me  was pretty much the only way to bring me focus back to Him.  

Second revelation: I am very terrified at the thought of losing Jesse as a friend, and I desire nothing more than for him to be my friend for the time being.  In my whole life there have only been 2 people I have ever felt completely safe sharing my true self and emotions with, 2 people who really 'get' me.  One is my best girlfriend....and the other is Jesse.  I didnt realize that until we talked the other day.  He understands how my thought processes work, and in 8 months picked up things about my personality that I never knew until he pointed them out. And we are not afraid to be completely (and brutally, if necessary) honest with each other about everything. He understands me to my core.  We wont be best friends right away.  But he is one of my dearest and truest friends.  

Third:  I am so spiritually malnourished.   And I'm starving.  

There are many more small revelations. Some that I'm still working out in my head and will share later.  

more tomorrow...

On new years day, my resolution for the year was to do good in my last little bit of school, move to texas, love my boyfriend with all the love i had, and...when i had a little time between all of that, grow closer to God.  not the greatest of resolutions.  January 2 comes....and my world, my plans, are turned upside down and ripped apart.  the boyfriend I was going to spend so much time and energy on, who I'm sure I'm supposed to be with forever...is no longer mine.  He said that it just isnt right for him to be with me right now.  I was devastated, and tried very hard to convince him that he was wrong.  That there was no way God could be telling him we weren't supposed to be together because God was telling me that we were.  I spent two days fighting God, fighting everything, demanding that this was wrong.  Now its January 7th.  Very little time has passed, but I'm no longer fighting this.  My pastor spoke Sunday on his journey to God.  It focused a lot on coming to God in your struggles, during your battles.  This, along with conversations with some very wise, Godly people, helped me realize how I needed to be looking at this struggle I'm facing.  i cant fix this situation.  And I cant fix my broken heart.  All I can do in this season is rely on God to carry me through.  I must draw nearer to him, and dwell in Him every day.  Not when I have time.  Not when I'm done with school, done with my friends, done with my plans....but during all of that.  God holds my future in his hands.  he knows his plans for me.  Honestly, I believe that Jesse and I will be together again.  But I dont know that for sure, and it hurts not knowing.  But God is sovereign, and I must bury myself in him, trust his will, his perfect timing and his perfect plan for me.

So, my new resolution is to bury myself in God. Bring him into every aspect of my life.  Immerse myself in his word.